Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bargin Bin Movie Review #2: Super Mario Bros

Super Mario Bros - It is a good rule when you make a film based on a some intellectual property to have the development rights to, it is a good idea to research the subject matter. Like I don't know like PLAYING THE FREAKING GAME. With all the VG and movie cross tie-ins I am surprised they did not make a Game based on the Movie like they did with Street Fighter. You can tell this film was written by a committee that consisted of a 12 year old boy, The Writers , A studio exec, both directors , the building's cleaning person Consuela, the exec's mistress and a gay prostitute they picked up from a West Hollywood leather bar.

Notice how I mentioned both directors in that circus of the absurd. Sure some films have multiple writers, it is not unusual, this mess had three, but TWO DIRECTORS. Now you know as a viewer you are about to see celluloid diarrhea that will bring harm to your immortal soul, when a movie needs TWO DIRECTORS to finish it. This is the only film I know of that had TWO DIRECTORS listed that was not some film made of up compilation stories, like the Amazing Stories or Twilight Zone movie. Those  movies are anthology of several smaller separate stories, and will have directors and writers for each separate vignette.

But this is ONE SINGLE FILM, with one SINGLE story. It turns out this was a husband and wife directorial team, I wonder of their marriage was able to survive this cinematic mess.

Despite all these extra writers and directors they still give us biggest glaring moment of idiocy, the title Is Super Mario BROTHERS but the film states they are FATHER and SON How could anyone make such a mistake, It is in the title SUPER MARIO B-R-O-T-H-E-R-S, Not Super Mario and Son. Their blood relation is described in the FREAKING TITLE.

Jesus freaking Lopez, How in Lord Xenu's name could you even get that wrong. Even Double Dragon did a better job at portraying the subject matter accurately. At least they got two brothers who use kung fu on people. Not like that game had much of a plot as the DD plot changed with each game, they did keep the post nuclear war storyline vaguely mentioned in the manual for one of the console port overs. That is a film that I will cover later, when I totally lose my mind and decide to watch that piece of trash again.

For those who never played an SMB game, the premise is this Mario and Luigi are two plumbers who take a pipe to the magical Mushroom Kingdom, to Rescue Princess Peach from the evil Lord King Koopa.

The films premise is about two NYC plumbers (at least they got that right), who discover a portal to an alternate blade runner rip-off world where the Dinos never died out and this dystopian city is ruled by some gangster/general wannabe called Koopa. basically they find the set of Theodore Rex. There is no princess but just Luigi's girlfriend who is some archaeologist or something. Koopa wants this piece of the original KT asteroid to create some substance to restore the dinosaurs. Koopa captures her and the Mario father and son, go an save her and whatever.

I am just glad they never made a CONTRA movie, I really cannot think how someone would have made a charlie foxtrot out of that.


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