Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Movies that need the rifftrax treatment.

 I have been exploring the Rifftrax site I noticed that there are some films that yet do not have riffs.

Dungeons and Dragons - before Eragon, Jeremy Irons was in another really bad fantasy film. This one makes Eragon look like LOTR.

Wing Commander - This Das Boot in space, just made us more eager for Star Wars Episode I to come out, then Episode I came out and we sci-fans clamoring for space opera realized there is NO NEW HOPE.

Zoom: Academy for Superheroes - It's like Sky High just much more worse. That in itself is an accomplishment.

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park - There must be video on demand of this, especially if it is a copy with commercials just like the SWHC. Paul Stanley on a VH1 special said this was billed as "A Hard Days Night Meets Star Wars, it was anything but". Phantom is  more like The Sgt Peppers Lonely hearts club bands meets the Star Wars Holiday Special and then decide to visit an abandoned amusement park and do nothing but drink Thunderbird and Mad Dog 20/20.

Speaking of more quick cash-ins:

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie - A film based on those gross cabbage patch kids sticker parodies. That I blew way too many quarters on. After seeing the nostalgia critic review of this turd, I say this is a film that I wish did not exist. Yet I knew kids in school that loved this film. Most of them are either in jail or dead now.

The Wizard - This movie has Fred Savage, yet to be known for The Wonder Years  plays a supporting role to a mental case, a girl and the headlining star NINTENDO! The Power Glove is so rad, and the only reason to watch this film was to get a glimpse of the hot new Super Mario Bros 3. yet Jimmy and his friends somehow know where secrets are in this yet known unreleased game.

Speaking of those plumbers...

Super Mario Bros - It is a good rule when you make a film based on a some intellectual property to have the development rights to, it is a good idea to research the subject matter. You should do things like... don't know PLAY THE FREAKING GAME. With all the VG and movie cross tie-ins I am surprised they did not make a Game based on the Movie like they did with Street Fighter. You can tell this film was written by a committee that consisted of a 12 year old boy, A studio exec, the director , the building's cleaning person Consuela, the exec's mistress and a gay prostitute they picked up from a West Hollywood leather bar.

This is the only film I know of that had TWO DIRECTORS listed that was not some film made of up compilation stories, like the Amazing Stories or Twilight Zone movie. This is ONE FREAKING MOVIE. Biggest glaring moment of idiocy, the title Is Super Mario BROTHERS
but the film states they are FATHER and SON

How could anyone make such a mistake, It is in the title SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, Not Super Mario and Son.

Hannah Montana the Movie -  Why not? now you can throw in Miley Bong Jokes.

Waterworld - Please tell me why they have not riffed this epic disaster? What is your excuse, rifftrax? what is Kevin Costner's excuse for making  He sure did not learn his lesson as he gave us The Postman.  Untouchables is the last film he made that does not make me want to THROW UP.

Film that might be hard to get a copy of:

Inchon (1982) This Korean War film produced by the Unification Church was plagued with controversy and problems, the 46 million dollar film only made 2 million and was plagued, by bad acting, bad writing with such factual errors as news-reporters wearing 1970's era clothing. This film was so bad that The Washington times and paper owned by Rev. Moon even trashed this film. When your own bought and paid for media mouthpiece will not praise this film, you really  failed. Money wise this film was a bigger waste of cash than Heaven's Gate, unlike HG this film is so bad that it was never released on VHS, BETAMAX, LASERDISC, DVD, flipbooks, or any known format. Only bootlegs exist taped from the Unification Church's television station when they decide to show this travesty.

Speaking of religious motivated films.....

Omega Code and its Sequel, Left Behind films etc. - I am  not a man of faith by any stretch, I do firmly believe in respecting another persons religious beliefs  but these films are so bad that well they need to be shredded. As for Omega Code even one of the guys on TBN ripped into this film. If we get anymore bad christian films, I will not be surprised God himself comes down to Earth with a lawyer, to sue the people responsible over the misuse of intellectual property, copyright infringement, breach of contract or something. You know The Almighty could have a rock solid case here, He could have a problem getting a lawyer as most if not all are probably in Hell.

Films that must just be hard to riff due to tragic events,

Galaxina - A really bad and cheap exploitative sci-fi sex comedy starring Playmate Dorothy Stratten, might be unriffable as Dorothy was murdered by her psycho ex-husband shortly before the films release.

The Conqueror (1956) This is the horribly miscast film produced by Howard Hughes that has John Wayne Playing Ghengis Khan. Also like Galaxina might be pretty hard to riff as this film is wrapped in tragedy. Considering that Howard had the film shot downwind from above ground nuke testing and it gave many who worked on the film CANCER. WARNING: You also might get cancer from actually watching it.

Films still in Pre-Production that will have to be Shredded.

The Family Circus - Just as the stench of the dog turd that was the Marmaduke, still has not left the theatres
someone thought it was a good idea to green light another comic strip. This time with one that only became funny on the Dysfuctional Family Circus website, Riffs should include guest riffer Bil's special friend "Uncle" Roy Washington and the Psychic Fern with mentions of trippin a nutsak in a frenzy of dikplay, Log of fags, and pennants and dish the dirt that Sperm Burping Gutter Slut, Thel. Check the DFC Archive.

Gypsy Remake with Babs Streisand - Why not.

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