Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Bargin Bin Movie Review: Iron Eagle

Iron Eagle, I saw this film as a kid and I thought WOW COOL. Since I am older and know better I look back this is the biggest and worst Top Gun cash-in ever. The entire plot is pretty filled with implausible crap. Some USAF Colonel gets shot down and taken prisoner,  his 17 year-old son who just graduated High School, who is somehow allowed to fly F-16's, and log time in simulators like it is the local arcade. He is frustrated with the government's apparent lack of action goes on a insane mission to some Mideast country where He and Lou Gossett Jr single handedly wipe out this nation's Air Power, land and pick up his dad and fly home, dog fight the Head of State of this country and blow his ass out of the sky, by doing things that are techinically impossible with a F-16 Falcon.

Seriously if a kid and a instructor could take on this entire country's military you think they Pentagon would already be planning a Spec Ops mission led by Chuck Norris to get him out or at least the State Dept would be negotiating for his release.

What is his reward, for stealing two F-16s and causing an international incident they ship his ass off to the USAF Academy. Not a hard labor military prison where Rambo ended up after his shooting spree in First Blood. (Although he died in the book)

This film is more Last Starfighter than Top Gun, except Last Starfighter had the sci-fi stuff making it more believable.

Here is a list of some of the implausible shizz in this movie:
  • F-16 are flown by officers, who get their commission by either ROTC, USAFA, or OCS no HS grad with a mediocre academic standing is going to be allowed to touch them, not even if their daddy is one of the joint chiefs. Even before officers even sit in simulators, they take hours of classes on how to prevent G-LOC, Air Combat Manuvers and basic fundamentals of flight.
  • Fighters are expensive, they  require fuel, ammunition and constant maintenance, so pilots train hundreds of hours on Sims. Also Simulator time is also at a premium, so they are not going let the Full Bird's son use the Simulator room like it is his personal arcade.
  • The Weapon hard-points on a F-16 are aimed slightly downward, that missile Doug fired on the tarmac of the Evil Mideast Nation(TM) would have slammed into the pavement exploding and taking out Doug and his Pappy.
  • If two F-16 were capable of doing that to this nation A delta force team led by Chuck Norris could have easily wiped this country's ass in a matter of minutes. The State Dept would have gotten him released by telling the Evil Leader(TM) , "You release Col. Masters or we send Chuck Norris to kick your ass."  He would be on a 1st Class Flight back the Ramstien AFB by the next morning.
Despite this the film did well enough in the box office to spawn two sequels. 2nd being a little more plausible about An American and Soviet team joining forces to take out another unnamed evil Mideast regime. Which starts with Doug Masters getting blown out of the sky, looks like the USAF put a stop to him taking his walkman with 80's ass rock up with him.

3rd Well I never even bothered to watch that one.


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