Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bargin Bin Movie Review #2: Super Mario Bros

Super Mario Bros - It is a good rule when you make a film based on a some intellectual property to have the development rights to, it is a good idea to research the subject matter. Like I don't know like PLAYING THE FREAKING GAME. With all the VG and movie cross tie-ins I am surprised they did not make a Game based on the Movie like they did with Street Fighter. You can tell this film was written by a committee that consisted of a 12 year old boy, The Writers , A studio exec, both directors , the building's cleaning person Consuela, the exec's mistress and a gay prostitute they picked up from a West Hollywood leather bar.

Notice how I mentioned both directors in that circus of the absurd. Sure some films have multiple writers, it is not unusual, this mess had three, but TWO DIRECTORS. Now you know as a viewer you are about to see celluloid diarrhea that will bring harm to your immortal soul, when a movie needs TWO DIRECTORS to finish it. This is the only film I know of that had TWO DIRECTORS listed that was not some film made of up compilation stories, like the Amazing Stories or Twilight Zone movie. Those  movies are anthology of several smaller separate stories, and will have directors and writers for each separate vignette.

But this is ONE SINGLE FILM, with one SINGLE story. It turns out this was a husband and wife directorial team, I wonder of their marriage was able to survive this cinematic mess.

Despite all these extra writers and directors they still give us biggest glaring moment of idiocy, the title Is Super Mario BROTHERS but the film states they are FATHER and SON How could anyone make such a mistake, It is in the title SUPER MARIO B-R-O-T-H-E-R-S, Not Super Mario and Son. Their blood relation is described in the FREAKING TITLE.

Jesus freaking Lopez, How in Lord Xenu's name could you even get that wrong. Even Double Dragon did a better job at portraying the subject matter accurately. At least they got two brothers who use kung fu on people. Not like that game had much of a plot as the DD plot changed with each game, they did keep the post nuclear war storyline vaguely mentioned in the manual for one of the console port overs. That is a film that I will cover later, when I totally lose my mind and decide to watch that piece of trash again.

For those who never played an SMB game, the premise is this Mario and Luigi are two plumbers who take a pipe to the magical Mushroom Kingdom, to Rescue Princess Peach from the evil Lord King Koopa.

The films premise is about two NYC plumbers (at least they got that right), who discover a portal to an alternate blade runner rip-off world where the Dinos never died out and this dystopian city is ruled by some gangster/general wannabe called Koopa. basically they find the set of Theodore Rex. There is no princess but just Luigi's girlfriend who is some archaeologist or something. Koopa wants this piece of the original KT asteroid to create some substance to restore the dinosaurs. Koopa captures her and the Mario father and son, go an save her and whatever.

I am just glad they never made a CONTRA movie, I really cannot think how someone would have made a charlie foxtrot out of that.

My final rating: THIS MOVIE MAKES MY DICK HURT.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Movies that need the rifftrax treatment.

 I have been exploring the Rifftrax site I noticed that there are some films that yet do not have riffs.

Dungeons and Dragons - before Eragon, Jeremy Irons was in another really bad fantasy film. This one makes Eragon look like LOTR.

Wing Commander - This Das Boot in space, just made us more eager for Star Wars Episode I to come out, then Episode I came out and we sci-fans clamoring for space opera realized there is NO NEW HOPE.

Zoom: Academy for Superheroes - It's like Sky High just much more worse. That in itself is an accomplishment.

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park - There must be video on demand of this, especially if it is a copy with commercials just like the SWHC. Paul Stanley on a VH1 special said this was billed as "A Hard Days Night Meets Star Wars, it was anything but". Phantom is  more like The Sgt Peppers Lonely hearts club bands meets the Star Wars Holiday Special and then decide to visit an abandoned amusement park and do nothing but drink Thunderbird and Mad Dog 20/20.

Speaking of more quick cash-ins:

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie - A film based on those gross cabbage patch kids sticker parodies. That I blew way too many quarters on. After seeing the nostalgia critic review of this turd, I say this is a film that I wish did not exist. Yet I knew kids in school that loved this film. Most of them are either in jail or dead now.

The Wizard - This movie has Fred Savage, yet to be known for The Wonder Years  plays a supporting role to a mental case, a girl and the headlining star NINTENDO! The Power Glove is so rad, and the only reason to watch this film was to get a glimpse of the hot new Super Mario Bros 3. yet Jimmy and his friends somehow know where secrets are in this yet known unreleased game.

Speaking of those plumbers...

Super Mario Bros - It is a good rule when you make a film based on a some intellectual property to have the development rights to, it is a good idea to research the subject matter. You should do things like... don't know PLAY THE FREAKING GAME. With all the VG and movie cross tie-ins I am surprised they did not make a Game based on the Movie like they did with Street Fighter. You can tell this film was written by a committee that consisted of a 12 year old boy, A studio exec, the director , the building's cleaning person Consuela, the exec's mistress and a gay prostitute they picked up from a West Hollywood leather bar.

This is the only film I know of that had TWO DIRECTORS listed that was not some film made of up compilation stories, like the Amazing Stories or Twilight Zone movie. This is ONE FREAKING MOVIE. Biggest glaring moment of idiocy, the title Is Super Mario BROTHERS
but the film states they are FATHER and SON

How could anyone make such a mistake, It is in the title SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, Not Super Mario and Son.

Hannah Montana the Movie -  Why not? now you can throw in Miley Bong Jokes.

Waterworld - Please tell me why they have not riffed this epic disaster? What is your excuse, rifftrax? what is Kevin Costner's excuse for making  He sure did not learn his lesson as he gave us The Postman.  Untouchables is the last film he made that does not make me want to THROW UP.

Film that might be hard to get a copy of:

Inchon (1982) This Korean War film produced by the Unification Church was plagued with controversy and problems, the 46 million dollar film only made 2 million and was plagued, by bad acting, bad writing with such factual errors as news-reporters wearing 1970's era clothing. This film was so bad that The Washington times and paper owned by Rev. Moon even trashed this film. When your own bought and paid for media mouthpiece will not praise this film, you really  failed. Money wise this film was a bigger waste of cash than Heaven's Gate, unlike HG this film is so bad that it was never released on VHS, BETAMAX, LASERDISC, DVD, flipbooks, or any known format. Only bootlegs exist taped from the Unification Church's television station when they decide to show this travesty.

Speaking of religious motivated films.....

Omega Code and its Sequel, Left Behind films etc. - I am  not a man of faith by any stretch, I do firmly believe in respecting another persons religious beliefs  but these films are so bad that well they need to be shredded. As for Omega Code even one of the guys on TBN ripped into this film. If we get anymore bad christian films, I will not be surprised God himself comes down to Earth with a lawyer, to sue the people responsible over the misuse of intellectual property, copyright infringement, breach of contract or something. You know The Almighty could have a rock solid case here, He could have a problem getting a lawyer as most if not all are probably in Hell.

Films that must just be hard to riff due to tragic events,

Galaxina - A really bad and cheap exploitative sci-fi sex comedy starring Playmate Dorothy Stratten, might be unriffable as Dorothy was murdered by her psycho ex-husband shortly before the films release.

The Conqueror (1956) This is the horribly miscast film produced by Howard Hughes that has John Wayne Playing Ghengis Khan. Also like Galaxina might be pretty hard to riff as this film is wrapped in tragedy. Considering that Howard had the film shot downwind from above ground nuke testing and it gave many who worked on the film CANCER. WARNING: You also might get cancer from actually watching it.

Films still in Pre-Production that will have to be Shredded.

The Family Circus - Just as the stench of the dog turd that was the Marmaduke, still has not left the theatres
someone thought it was a good idea to green light another comic strip. This time with one that only became funny on the Dysfuctional Family Circus website, Riffs should include guest riffer Bil's special friend "Uncle" Roy Washington and the Psychic Fern with mentions of trippin a nutsak in a frenzy of dikplay, Log of fags, and pennants and dish the dirt that Sperm Burping Gutter Slut, Thel. Check the DFC Archive.

Gypsy Remake with Babs Streisand - Why not.

Bargin Bin Movie Review: Iron Eagle

Iron Eagle, I saw this film as a kid and I thought WOW COOL. Since I am older and know better I look back this is the biggest and worst Top Gun cash-in ever. The entire plot is pretty filled with implausible crap. Some USAF Colonel gets shot down and taken prisoner,  his 17 year-old son who just graduated High School, who is somehow allowed to fly F-16's, and log time in simulators like it is the local arcade. He is frustrated with the government's apparent lack of action goes on a insane mission to some Mideast country where He and Lou Gossett Jr single handedly wipe out this nation's Air Power, land and pick up his dad and fly home, dog fight the Head of State of this country and blow his ass out of the sky, by doing things that are techinically impossible with a F-16 Falcon.

Seriously if a kid and a instructor could take on this entire country's military you think they Pentagon would already be planning a Spec Ops mission led by Chuck Norris to get him out or at least the State Dept would be negotiating for his release.

What is his reward, for stealing two F-16s and causing an international incident they ship his ass off to the USAF Academy. Not a hard labor military prison where Rambo ended up after his shooting spree in First Blood. (Although he died in the book)

This film is more Last Starfighter than Top Gun, except Last Starfighter had the sci-fi stuff making it more believable.

Here is a list of some of the implausible shizz in this movie:
  • F-16 are flown by officers, who get their commission by either ROTC, USAFA, or OCS no HS grad with a mediocre academic standing is going to be allowed to touch them, not even if their daddy is one of the joint chiefs. Even before officers even sit in simulators, they take hours of classes on how to prevent G-LOC, Air Combat Manuvers and basic fundamentals of flight.
  • Fighters are expensive, they  require fuel, ammunition and constant maintenance, so pilots train hundreds of hours on Sims. Also Simulator time is also at a premium, so they are not going let the Full Bird's son use the Simulator room like it is his personal arcade.
  • The Weapon hard-points on a F-16 are aimed slightly downward, that missile Doug fired on the tarmac of the Evil Mideast Nation(TM) would have slammed into the pavement exploding and taking out Doug and his Pappy.
  • If two F-16 were capable of doing that to this nation A delta force team led by Chuck Norris could have easily wiped this country's ass in a matter of minutes. The State Dept would have gotten him released by telling the Evil Leader(TM) , "You release Col. Masters or we send Chuck Norris to kick your ass."  He would be on a 1st Class Flight back the Ramstien AFB by the next morning.
Despite this the film did well enough in the box office to spawn two sequels. 2nd being a little more plausible about An American and Soviet team joining forces to take out another unnamed evil Mideast regime. Which starts with Doug Masters getting blown out of the sky, looks like the USAF put a stop to him taking his walkman with 80's ass rock up with him.

3rd Well I never even bothered to watch that one.

After Action Report: MISSION TOTALLY FUBAR

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Simple Math, workers and the economy and education.

Unions and Politicians always lament the loss of manufacturing jobs and blame those evil corporations and the Republicans and whatnot. The main reason is not Reagan, Bush, Unions or even Obama but they all had a part to play. The main reason for jobs going over seas is simple math.

Reason why the USA had such a thriving industrial sector for 30 years was this little event called World War II. You might have heard about it, I think some movies and a few video games were about about it. Well that war pretty much devastated America's biggest industrial competition. Germany was carpet bombed into rubble and Japan had two cities wiped off the map courtesy of the Atomic Age. With the eastern half of Europe under the iron curtain. Well that left the USA  sole nation that could rebuild the western world. Well with this vibrant industrial sector it also help industrial labor unions thrive, they also became successful sometimes too much success can ruin you. It led to higher wages for low skilled work and a population that thought why care about school when I can slide through kicking a ball around and get a good UAW job.

This also led to entire communities thinking "Why care about school when I can slide through get a good UAW job at the auto plant. Well guess what just like Joesph and the parable of the 7 fed cows and the 7 lean ones, good times were not going to last. Their success became their undoing, as wages went up so did prosperity. Also cost of living  and the cost of labor. Soon enough Germany, Japan and other nations we getting back to full speed. Offering an industrial sector with less regulation and less cost due to lower exchange rates and a better education system to match. Companies here in the USA thought why should I pay 20 and hour to some barely literate high school graduate or a drop out when I can ship this factory to China and get workers that only pay $1.00 an hour, work longer hours and are better educated.

Simple math same reason why I buy Generic medicine over name brands, same quality for less money. In labor case better quality for less money.

Now that mentality born of that age has screwed us, Japan became a tech powerhouse because the focused on education because well they do not a have the space or local resources to support a large industrial base.

Now we are in the information age, and the age of the internet, you want a job that made as much as hose UAW line workers, well you need to learn how to use a computer and read those books in school. The 21st Century the future came by well we do know know what to do with it. We have labor unions wanting Washington DC to turn things back to the 1950's, with trade legislation. Guess what NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. We have a public education system still teaching kids the skills to work in a industrial labor based economy. That age us over, kids need to be learning technology at day one to compete with kids in China and Japan. Go to these countries do they have soccer moms and hockey moms? No. They have STUDY MOMS because for them success is not measured on getting their kid on some exclusive Hockey league to get some college scholarship it is getting into the best exclusive HIGH SCHOOL to become an engineer to scientist.

KIDS NEED TO PUT THE BALL DOWN AND PICK UP A TEXT BOOK. Every time I say this to anyone they give me this look like I am talking in some alien language and have a third eye coming out of my head.

"I don't want them sitting in from of a computer all day"

My response to this is, "Now do you want your kid spending the rest of their life standing in from of a McDonald's cash register for the rest of his life?"

Do you know that the chance even of a kid is good, getting a full ride college athletic scholarship? About less that 5 percent.

Do you know what the chance of a kid has good academic standings of getting into a good school let alone any college. About 100%

What do you think is the better path?