Thursday, June 11, 2009

Some ideas for the AVGN

As you know there have been many crappy games based on films, some of these games are actually bad games based on GOOD films, such PLATOON or the infamous ET come to mind. There is a rare breed in gaming, the shit game based on a equally or even shittier film or other such failed entertainment property.

I propose that the AVGN throw his wrath at a few of these titles

Such victims for James wrath could be

First candidates are the FLOPS, crap games based on films that either tanked at the box office or were savaged by the critics or both.

Hudson Hawk for the NES, shit game based on a really bad Bruce Willis box office fiasco. James can even talk about the Nintendo Power contest where the 1st place winner got a free screening of the film with 5 of his closest friends. Nintendo Power and Hudson Hawk Even when you win you lose. What was planned next Bruce? a Bonfire of the Vanities game.

HOOK(NES, SNES, GENESIS Sega CD) A crap game based on a ill advised Spielberg retake on Peter Pan that went over with critics like a fart in church. Originally this project was supposed to be a musical that Steven promised the lead to Michael "Wacko Jacko" Jackson until he got accused of getting to close to kids.

Cutthroat Island (Genesis, SNES) This bloated over budget and overindulgent Remy Harlin directed Gena Davis action pirate vehicle picture, became a case of vehicular manslaughter as it cost over $100 mil and only made $10 million. It bankrupted Carolco Pictures and held the Guinness World Record for "Biggest single loss for a studio" until Adventures of Pluto Nash came out. This was the same Carolco that made a mint on Terminator 2 and Basic Instinct. This film killed the pirate genre, until Disney resurrected it with the Pirates of the Caribbean films, based on a theme park ride of all things. And you thought Waterworld was bad.

Speaking of the devil...

Waterworld (GEN, SNES) Sure the AVGN did the virtual boy adaptation, this waterlogged Costner shipwreck also ran aground on the Super NES and Genesis.

Judge Dredd, (SNES, Genesis) This DREDDFUL theatrical flop actually had the nerve to put "based on the smash hit movie" on the carts, Talk about false advertising.

Last Action Hero (SNES, NES, GENESIS) Another AHHNOLD game for a film that was a Box Office Turkey.

Demolition Man (GEN, SNES) I'd like to schedule all of these carts for demolition. I wonder if Arnie and Sly where having a pissing contest to see how many crap games they could assault the public with. So far they are both 2 for 2 tied, if you count out the terminator and RAMBO games and reclass those as separate franchise films

Tf SLY and AHHNOLD were having a crap video game contest they both get PWNED by the muscles from Brussels.

Street Fighter the Movie (SNES, GENESIS, ARCADE) A game based on the movie that is based on a video game. It is like one of those movie within a movie movies, only worse.

Universal Soldier (SNES, GEN) another shit VanDamme film another shit VanDamme game.

Time Cop (SNES, GEN) Vandamme strikes again Makes me grateful that no Steven Segal films were ever made into a video game... Or where they?

Congo the game (GEN, SNES) A game based on a talking monkey jungle movie that I do not even remember what it was about.

Time Traxx (GENESIS, SNES) Not really a movie, but a game from the genre of Games based on obscure TV show only 5 people including myself remember watching.

Defenders of Dynatron City (nes) not really a shit game based on a movie, but a shit game based on a failed comic book line created by Steven Spielberg. Not everything he creates is GOLD kids.

Captain Planet and the Planeteers (NES, SNES GEN) for a game based on a cartoon preaching ecological responsibility, this was sure one big piece of toxic garbage that should have been slated for recycling.

How about...the mentionables

Cliffhanger (NES, GEN, SNES, SEGA CD) a mess of a game based on a passable Stallone action film.

Blues Brothers (NES, SNES) A game that is in the genre of desecration of a CLASSIC film. I can see the mindset around making a shit quick cash in to coinside with a hot theatrical release. But a game based on a film that came out 10 years before the NES even existed?

Gilligan's Island(NES) a shit game based on a TV show that was long canceled way before video games hit the streets. or their current players were even BORN.

The Three Stooges (NES) a WORSE idea, here's what kids like me wanted in the 1980's a game based on a series of short films made before their PARENTS were even born.

Alien 3 (SNES) Here is the rarest of beasts, A GOOD game based on a SHIT film. The NES version was garbage and the Genesis game was dull and mediocre. But the SNES game was actually a intelligently put together action adventure platformer with a open ended level design that required a certain level of strategic planning to complete the mission objectives.

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